Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Confession of a mother
'Abortion appeared to be the only answer. I was told the procedure would be quick and safe, allowing me to continue my activities the next day. I told the nurse I didn’t think I could go through with it. She held my hand, telling me it would be over soon. Before I could reply, the suction machine was turned on, causing tremendous pain. I was frightened, it hurted so much. I wanted to scream. I wanted it to stop. I suddenly knew there was a baby inside. They were killing my baby! Limping to the recovery room I felt nauseated, weak and defeated. I couldn’t stop crying. My life was irreversibly changed at that moment. I cried for days and weeks, eventually years. I felt so dirty, so guilty, so unworthy to live. I could have died from the operation and that my future ability to carry a baby full term had been lessened. I proceeded to the restroom and filled the toilet with blood. I was very scared. I knew this was not normal. I knew my periods weren’t like this. The cramping was excruciating. The bleeding got worse. I believe now when I look back, I was hemorrhaging. I had blood clots the size of grapefruit. I bled like that for two more days. I would end up sobbing in a corner, fearful I was going crazy. It culminated one evening when I tried to cut my wrists with a broken plate. This desperate act scared me into getting help. My deep pain about the unnecessary death of a child, my child. It was like reading an obituary. I’d close my eyes and see this tiny helpless little baby peacefully floating in amniotic fluid, did it struggle, did it die quickly? Or perhaps even cry? My eldest daughter’s response, "Mom, you knew I always wanted an older brother or sister, so why did you kill them?" I, myself, had no answer. Through counseling I let go of my anger and accepted the forgiveness that Jesus offers. Months later I forgave myself and began to mourn the loss of my child. I really thought I loved the baby’s father but I don’t know if I was just with him because I was desperate for someone to love. He wanted a sexual relationship and I just gave in thinking I could handle it, but I couldn’t. After the abortion I just didn’t feel the same about him anymore. He wanted to continue to have sex and I was in too much pain (emotionally). We stopped seeing each other and when I did see him he would curse me out and call me a "baby killer". But there will come a time when you will regret not knowing the joy of raising your child. There is always a reminder of what kind of person your child would have been. Now that I think about it, it really was a selfish choice.'
*To the aborted babies out there, God loves you more than he loves us. He takes you into his arm sooner than he takes us. Not giving you a chance to live life but freeing you from all the pain and sufferings of this dark and cold world.
'Experience' is merely a nicer name we give to our mistakes.
Reminisce the past and redeem your sins.
Abortion should be BANNED like now.
the beauty exposed
